How The Grinch Tried to Steal The Mortgage Business
With apologies to Dr. Suess
By: Dave Eshleman
Every Who down in Whoville liked brokers a lot. But the Grinch, who lived in a tower, did not.
The Grinch hated brokers, those damned independents!
Now, folks, if you’re sitting there wondering why The Grinch had it in for those brokerage guys, Then this I must tell you, and let me be frank:
The Grinch was the head of a really big bank!
How big was this bank? It was too big to fail! The TARP loan he got was as big as a whale.
And with all of those funds, he had bought lots of stuff. But to greedy old grinches, that wasn’t enough. The Grinch had his heart set on world domination.
Now, please don’t ask why, there’s no good explanation. So he thought to himself as he wrinkled his brow:
“I’ve got to stop brokers from thriving. But how?”
Then he got an idea. An awful idea. The Grinch got a wonderful awful idea.
He called up the other Grinch bank presidents and asked them all up to his huge residence. “Fellow Grinches, you ask why I’ve gathered you here? I’ve made some big plans for the upcoming year. We all have this one thing in common, it’s true: Our hatred for brokers and all that they do.”
“They think they’re so smart!” the Grinch said with a moan. “They think they can go out and find the best loan! They think they can help the Who’s buy their own houses!
The dearest of dreams for all Whos and Who spouses!
It bugs me!” the Grinch groused. “It just leaves me cold. They do as they please and they can’t be controlled. They answer to no one! They have too much freedom! But thanks to my plan, soon we’ll no longer need ‘em.”
A hush then fell over the roomful of bankers, Then one of them said “What’s your plan for these wankers?” “’Tis this,” Said the Grinch. “Did you know the recession was caused by the BROKERS and their indiscretion?
If we can get Whos to believe (and we will!) that brokers, not bankers, are the source of their ills, then we’ll get all our buddies in Congress to pass new laws that will throw brokers out on their ***!”
“We’ll choke off their breath, bring them all to their knees. We’ll force them to join us, and be employees! And after we’ve gotten them into our tent, we’ll cut their commissions by ninety per cent!”
“And after we’ve crushed all the brokerage firms we’ll force Whos to get loans from US, on OUR terms!”
At once the crowd rose to their feet and each man saluted the Grinch: “It’s a wonderful plan!”
And sure enough, all of their friends in D.C. soon drafted Dodd Frank, and the HVCC and dozens of laws all designed to prevent a broker from earning, and paying his rent.
And after their rules went into effect The Grinch thought he knew just what to expect.
“The brokers will cry and they’ll say “woe is me”! They’ll shed copious tears on their old ten-o-threes! *
They’ll walk ‘round in circles, crying “what will we do?” They’ll all pound their fists and they’ll all say “Boo hoo”.
So the old Grinch sat back in his overstuffed chair with a small glass of port and a chocolate éclair and waited to hear what he knew must be coming.
Then he heard a small sound, a just audible humming.
The tiny sound drifted out over the snow. It started out small, then it started to grow.
But it wasn’t the sound that the Grinch had expected. No, the sound didn’t sound like a people dejected.
It sounded like work! He could hear people talking. It sounded like brokers were quoting and locking! He heard phones a’ringing, and keyboards a’clacking, copiers copying, fax machines faxing!
He didn’t stop brokers from closing. They closed! Despite all the rules that his cronies imposed.
They didn’t feel sorry. They didn’t shed tears! They still had their clients! They still had careers!
Despite all the hurdles that seemed so unfair They kept their heads up and they didn’t despair.
And that day, it is said, the Grinch finally decided That all of his efforts were sorely misguided.
You can’t take away a Who’s freedom of choice, you can’t silence brokers and take ‘way their voice.
And all across Whoville, you’ll hear people say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day.
He gave up his bad plan to send brokers packing and gave his own wholesale department full backing.
And he even joined CAMP **, made a great big donation! That paid for their annual Christmas celebration.
And there at CAMP’s annual holiday feast it was he, the old Grinch, who did carve the roast beast.
*Mortgage application form #1003
**California Association of Mortgage Professionals